The slump is over, people. However, I'm now spiraling down a different black hole--I feel like my whole life may have been a lie. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, there aren't any paternity tests involved. I just had the rather unsettling experience of being told in class that I was part of a system. Now, this might seem blatantly obvious, but before we start pointing fingers and accusing me of being a dim wit Libertarian, I will acknowledge that I am knowingly a part of the college system, the American governmental system, and the Panhellenic sorority system. Not necessarily in that order. I guess I just never really realized I was also a part of a class system. I'm young and green. So what. Anyway, I was forced to face the facts when my professor pointed a finger around the room and said to us, do you really think you deserve a seat at these tables more than anyone else? Do you really think you earned it? You're a part of a system! 25 white, upper middle-class faces looked around doubtfully. Well. When you put it that way...
I hate it when my intelligence is called into question--almost as much as I hate it when cockroaches crawl on my arm when I'm washing dishes, which is another thing that happened the other day. Of course I handled it with grace and aplomb, and with not a single curse word, but it wasn't the most enjoyable thing I've ever experienced. I had a heart-to-heart with the pest control guy a little later that verged on a nervous breakdown, but that's neither here nor there. So I hate it when I'm told I may not be as smart as I think I am. I'm less concerned with not earning something, because hey, where's the harm in a little easy come? It might not go! But to be told that I wasn't picked to be at Tulane because I was smart, but rather because my parents read to me as a child and I could afford to take the SAT and because I didn't have to fill out a FAFSA? That's hitting a girl where it hurts.
I'm being slightly facetious. I am well aware of the incredible opportunities I've been afforded in my life, due in large part to the magnificent foresight and business savvy of my dear Grandfather, who is currently taking a jealousy inducing tour of Turkey, and to my parents, who somehow managed to hammer some kind of sense into this rather thick skull of mine. However, recognizing that we're all operating in classes that will most likely recreate themselves for generations to come is extraordinarily depressing. Personally, I'm happy to know that my current middle class standing will probably produce middle class children who have lived the kind of life that I have thus far. Actually, there are no guarantees I'll stay middle class. Because that would require, at some point, a well paying job after college, and so far my post-graduation plans consist of a euro-trip and a job as a ranger in Denali National Park. So maybe I'm speaking a little prematurely here. Regardless, I'm forced to ask--why me? Not in a self-pitying way, because I'm really not into that. Self-pity isn't my style. Buck up already is what I generally tell myself when I start feeling sorry for myself, and sometimes I tell other people that too (it doesn't make me many friends). So when I say why me? in this context, I guess what I really mean is, how did I get so lucky?
I don't have an answer to that. Good looks, charm and cunning wit are tough to come by all in one person! That was a joke. I really don't know how I lucked into such a great family and a great school and a great life, and last but not least, a moderately functional brain. I'm questioning something much larger here. I feel like I won't have a good answer anytime soon. Probably ever. I'm too good at critical analysis to ever settle one way or the other--thanks for nothing, college. Thanks for showing me how to see every side of an issue! Not!
I should also put a sidebar in here and say that this is my third late night at the library in a row, and things are not looking up. Have I hit the wall on one too many papers? The answer is undoubtedly yes. I know these are the best days of my life, but at the moment I feel like it might land me in court-ordered therapy.
In other news, my Mother, Father, Aunt and Uncle will be soon be joining me here in the Big Easy. Fun will be had by all.