If you're a Modern Family fan, you'll get this analogy. If not, tough luck and start watching. Anyway, there's an episode about halfway through the 2nd season where Cam gets really into biking at the gym, and he wears these obscenely tight bike shorts that leave little to the imagination. Now, imagine that on a large, but fit, black man named Joe. Joe has tiny chicken legs. Joe is barrel-chested. Joe wears bike shorts. Joe also teaches a class at Tulane called Abs, Buns, Thighs, ABT for short. And I am a faithful Joe follower. His workouts are by far the hardest thing I've ever done physically in my life, the second of which was trying to tackle a 250 pound Samoan girl. But every Tuesday and Friday you'll see girls wincing as they walk down steps, and all they have to say is ABT to get a nod and sympathetic smile--we all know the pain of a Joe class. But we keep going back for more--and here's why.
Joe says things like:
"Listen ladies, it wasn't me at Happy Hour last Friday. IT WAS YOU. You're paying for crimes to your waistline!"
"You think you hate me now? Wait until you're climbing up to your fourth floor dorm room. No, wait until you're going down steps. Then you're REALLY going to hate me! But remember, I love you!"
"Ok, now we're doing 500 squats."
"Hey, don't look at me, I don't have to wear a tiny two-piece bikini, you do!"
"If you're looking for an easy work-out, ya'll should head out and get on an elliptical....useless."
"Flat backs, ladies, flat backs! Stick your butt out, think public restroom!"
"Ok, we're going to do 5 minutes of lunges. Just kidding, I don't hate ya'll. We're doing 7 minutes! Love you!"
"Think spring break! SPRING BREAK AT THE BEACH!"
"Now we're going to do some dead lifts. This is going to stretch out those hamstrings and tighten that gluteus maximus, and you're not going to feel it today, or tomorrow...but Wednesday you're going to be in free-fall trying to sit on the toilet."
"This is going to take a little je ne sais quoi. That's French for attitude. You gotta work it!"
So class with Joe is always a memorable and fun experience. A group of us go religiously on Thursday afternoons and he never fails to delight and punish us. It is usually all girls though, which makes it double the fun because nobody gets more into gym culture than woman do--but gym culture and my reverence for it deserves its own post, so I won't get into that now. What I will say though is that the only time I had ever heard of a guy at ABT was one of my coworkers at Technology Services who shall remain nameless. I, unfortunately, was not in attendance at the class he went to (it was on a Monday, and I have class on Mondays. Sad story true story). But this is how I found out he was there.
He walks behind the desk at TS and without any prompting goes, "Yeah, sorry I'm moving a little slow, I'm just really sore." I briefly glance in his direction. He stretches. "I was at ABT earlier today, have you heard of that class? Yeah, it's a killer." He walks away nonchalantly.
Ok but the only thing going through my mind is what a weird place for this guy of all people to be, I don't want to be mean here but he works for Technology Services. He's no Fabio. Then suddenly I thought of this classic music video for a song called Call on Me.
Replace Joe for the lead girl and my coworker for Eric Prydz, tone down the sweet outfits and sexuality, add 8,000 squats and you've got ABT.
In short, it's the best part of my Thursdays.